Call it a case of the Mondays, blame it on Saturn, or a retrograde, but to be perfectly honest with you, I’ve been really down on myself lately for just being everything that makes me me. I think quitting my corporate job definitely fueled the rampant firestorm of feeling less-than, worthless, and having nothing to offer anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I have great days, amazing days, where I feel that I am on the right path in pursuing my passions whilst putting my family first. I have a generally positive outlook on my new career as an interior designer, but it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. The self-demolition and rebuilding process is difficult, yo. And the inner self-hatred only permeates through to the outer physical hatred, too! The kind where you swiftly walk as fast as you can away from any mirror in sight.
I often go back to the past decade of my life wondering how my life and accomplishments would have been much different, better, or more fulfilling, if I would have cared about the future a little bit more. After I quit acting, dancing, and performing in general, I never felt that I had any talents left. In my eyes, the only things I was good at were these, mostly destructive P’s:
- Partying like a rockstar (I probably could have kept up with the likes of Charlie Sheen)
- Promiscuity (Hard to admit, but jumping from relationship to relationship)
- Pulling it together to be punctual & professional enough to get myself through a career I was okay at (ironically it involved alcohol)- But I will give myself credit for keeping a strong work ethic and putting out quality, which led me to the position(s) I desired at the time.
In my twenties I lived my life somewhere between #YOLO and my favorite Cruel Intentions moment:
Looking back, if I had listened more to my inner ‘Sebastian’, I would have
- Spent my limited yet hard-earned money on traveling instead of a bar tab
- Focused on listening to my inner passionista and further educated myself in interior design- much sooner!
- Fought harder for love instead of putting a band-aid on it, in turn, unnecessarily hurting people and ultimately myself. This is a big one.
- SLEPT!!! My brain, face and body are paying hard for this now.
- Had some f-ing self control and been a better role model to my sister, and someone my friends could be proud of instead of someone they had to make excuses for.
I still struggle with some of these human pit-falls now. I am in the slow and often painful process of reevaluating my persona, actions, and developing into the person I’ve always wanted to be. A little late in the game, I know. I will get there, but it’s also a battle in the society we’re in that is constantly bombarding us with “positivity”; call it memes, or inspirational quotes, plastered all over social media that in a way say to us that, “It’s not okay to be reflective… It’s not okay to have some regrets…it’s not okay to care what other people may think…it’s only okay to live with your head in the clouds, and have an extremely conflicting mantra of “only love & worry about yourself and your own happiness, buuuuut also love others (as long as they’re spiritually liberal like you)” which makes absolutely no sense to me. I digress. What I mean is sometimes we need a little room to be real with ourselves. Break down what needs to change and build on what remains, and like it or not, redirect some things we may never be able to change. I, for one, will always be a night owl who can rarely say no to a party or a shot of tequila at the end of the night. My closest friends can attest to the fact I’ve always been a party animal- even at a 2nd grade sleepover (minus the booze!! –sub for candy.) BUT, I can do it less often and not have 7-105 drinks with strangers leading up to it! Self control. It’s a doozy. Actually, since I’ve become a mother, this isn’t really my life (most of the time), but I dwell because it used to be and it still has a hold on my soul. I’m always going to be outspoken, rough around the edges, kind of a closet gangster, and think inappropriate thoughts- funny or not. I’m not crazy about those qualities, but I have to come to terms with them, and have to remember to take a split second, for crying out loud, to think before something shoots out of my mouth. I do have a good heart and never want to say or do anything to anyone that would hurt them in any way. I do care what people think- and that’s o.k. and healthy, dammit. It keeps me in check, and I need that!
Well, anyway, now you know the deepest struggles on the inner level before I even have 15 posts under my belt, but it’s been weighing on me so heavily. Makes me wonder who else out there is or has ever gone through a transformation or a personal loathing like this? Thank you for being my therapist today and allowing me to post this publicly instead of keeping it to myself in a journal- it’s just not as liberating, I guess. Thank you to the few friends & family members that love me anyway and especially my man, who never judged, cared, nor noticed the ‘old me’ was anything that needed changing. Apparently, my downfalls are what he loved the most! lol He’s the only one.
Maybe you don’t need full blown life makeover! Which, I bet is more than most of you, so let’s lighten up a bit by taking the reflection theme literally and distract ourselves with a round-up of fabulous mirrors to suit some key spaces in your home! Mirrors are always a great addition to any space. They can reflect light, anchor a mantle, and fill sizable dead space. I love to take an interesting mirror and hang it in a small powder room, or a pair of simply framed mirrors in a double bath. Dining rooms are often a good place for a unique mirror that can spark conversation as well. Just make sure you don’t go overboard and hang one on every other wall or in every single room. Art can go just as far and is easier to layer for a more sophisticated space! Take a look at some of my favorites off the shelf today- You can’t run now… mwhahahaha…! 😉
Trust me, you’ll want to stop in front of every one and repeat some ridiculous affirmation… jk. Now, for the age old question facing women everywhere; “Square or Round“??
I can already tell tomorrow’s going to be a better day! Reflect, but remember to be grateful for all of your blessings, no matter your past.